Learning To Say - 'No'

Saying ‘no’ to someone has never been easy, has it? It’s quite often that we all end up being in a situation where we have to say ‘no’ to someone in the family or at work, but we struggle with the right way or words to say it without offending the other person.

Most of us tend to put others before ourselves and want to avoid hurting them in any manner by saying ‘no’ because we fear how the other person would react. Though some people (to whom you have said ‘no’) take these things in their stride and move on, many others hold such situations close to their heart. We therefore end up doing things just to avoid a negative situation or souring (sometimes even ‘severing’) of relationships at the cost of our decision of saying ‘no’, whether to our loved ones, our colleagues or even total strangers.

But at the end of the day this affects no one but us, because in a way we are compromising on our own time and priorities to make way for others, which may not always be in our best interest. Imagine how much unwanted stress you can get rid of by saying a simple “No”.  In business, saying ‘yes’ when you really wanted to say ‘no’ can hurt your business, and often distract you from doing what you need to focus on.

What is the best way to say ‘no’

There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty when turning down someone. Saying ‘no’ is your prerogative and it helps ensure that you don’t end up compromising on your own interests and priorities just to please others.

So, it ultimately boils down to one thing - how to say ‘no.’ It is about finding a balance and being tactful while putting across your point. And however easy it may sound,it is a difficult trait to master.

But it is important to understand that if the person on the other side is mature and sensible, sooner or later they will understand, and not begrudge you. And yes, getting yourself to say ‘no’ can be quite a liberating experience and prevents you from drifting off-course in your journey of life.

How to say ‘no’

First of all, don’t assume that saying ‘no’ will damage the relationship. And if you fear it will, there are ways of saying it. Like I said, it is a tough art to master…but here are some useful tips that can help make it easier for you to say this golden word when the time comes.

Be polite, yet firm – Expected to work over-time in office for an assignment that is not a priority and can be done the next day? You can simply tell your boss that work-life balance is important to you and you’ll be willing to pitch in during a crisis. However, since the current situation doesn’t warrant a stay-back, you can confidently assure him that he can trust you to finish the work the next day without having to worry over it. Being firm will ensure that your boss gets the message loud and clear and he/she will think twice before putting unnecessary demands on you in future. But remember not to let his/her trust in your work waiver and use it as an excuse to repeat the same cycle…Stay true to your commitments. And if you are expected to accomplish a task within an unreasonable time frame, talk to him/her beforehand and work out a reasonable completion date.

Likewise, if you are doing your own business, you may be faced with situations where friends or relatives ask for discounts or want things faster. Be firm. Explain that your company policy does not allow you to do it the way they want it, or at the price they want it.

Have no guilt – Why should you feel guilty about having to turn down someone’s request/ offer, if it doesn’t fit into your scheme of things.  Cut out the guilt. If you sound apologetic, others are likely to make you feel worse. Take for example a situation, where a friend expects you to provide free professional services to them, or a client expects some add-on services without paying extra money.

Do you think avoiding the person or giving a lame excuse like “Sorry, but I’ve been busy” will help? In return you are only likely to hear “Whenever I ask you for help, you are always busy” and will end up being made to feel guilty for not helping.

Rather, be upfront and say, “It will be unfair for my company to offer pro-bono services. However, this time I will do it for you, but without involving my company resources, otherwise I won’t be able to tell my other colleagues not to do pro-bono work for their friends/ other clients."

Tell them why you are saying ‘no’ – It is best to politely let the other person know why you are saying ‘no’, so they can understand your standpoint and not react in unexpected ways.

Take time to consider the request/ offer if there are long term implications – If a new responsibility is being assigned to you at work, that you’re not sure about taking up, you need not say yes or no straightaway. Request for time, so you can weigh the pros and cons and understand the effort required in the work and the expected time frame within which you can reasonably complete that work. Your boss will know that you are giving the work due consideration and if he/she feels that the expected time you’ll take to complete the task overshoots the time-frame given to them, they are more likely to find someone else in the team who can take up the work or divide it between some team members. This way you don’t end up with a task that you can’t complete in the expected time and getting all stressed for nothing but brickbats later.

Let others know if you are not the right person to approach for a particular request/ offer -   If you are approached to help with something where you cannot do much, please say that you may not be the right person to help. You could direct them to the right person or department, so their request/ offer is addressed correctly. Eg. – If you work in the HR department and an employee comes to you with a grievance for an issue that is not part of your role, you can simply direct them to the person or department concerned.

Try implementing these and you will certainly get more breathing space to plan and prioritize your life the way you want to.  Remember that you are under no obligation to keep doing others favors all the time or do something that doesn’t come from your heart!

At the end of the day, your decision should be based on what is best for you and your business. And yes, there will still be times when you have to say yes despite wanting to say no (e.g. father-in-law’s friend’s wife wants a favour), then go ahead and say yes,but then you’ve got to accept it and enjoy it…and not let it ruin your peace of mind.

Life is not always fair. And you could always budget some “free ka work” as part of your business/workplace issues, knowing pretty well that such situations can’t always be avoided.