Are Women Coached To Be “People Pleasers”?

Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Is saying “NO” to others a difficult thing for you?

2. Does trying to meet others' demands constantly leave you exhausted and burnt out, yet, you can’t break out of it?

3. Is being accepted by others one of the significant factors at play in your life?

Eve Ensler, the author of famous play The Vagina Monologues--which has been running for years, has won various international awards and is a global movement for violence against women--says in her book I am an Emotional Creature: “I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense.” 

Her words made me stop and think about these three questions.

Is saying “NO” to others a difficult thing for you? 

Do you find it difficult to say “NO” to people, even if it is at your own expense? Do you always put others’ needs before your own? If the answer to this question is yes, then dig deeper.

Apparently, a truly notable attribute in a “decent and good girl” is that she can keep everyone around her ‘content’. Girls are given an imperative life lesson from childhood, and made to believe that forfeiting their own pleasure for others is the definition of  “real happiness”.  Her prime goal in life is to gratify everyone around her. Her happiness is only what is bestowed upon her after she fulfills others' requirements.

As she says "yes" to everyone, fulfilling their needs, she hardly gets to says “yes” to her own self. A woman’s needs cannot be just annoyance and unnecessary impediments in the scheme of things.

It is time to understand that the woman stands in the epicentre of her own circle of life. Things, circumstances and people surround her. The moment this epicentre gets imbalanced, everything falls apart. Things, circumstances, and people--they can take a place next to her, as per the need of the hour. However, they can never replace her and become the centre.

Does trying to meet others’ demands constantly leave you exhausted and burnt out, yet, you can’t break out of it?

Do you say "yes" to people and then feel overburdened by their demands? Do you need to love, honour and uphold others' needs relentlessly?

Women over-schedule their lives; multi-task constantly without a break; juggle many roles, tasks and others' wants till they are totally burnt out. Attuned to accommodate and adjust according to others, they develop this “never give-in, or give-up” attitude. This sense of competence, where they overcrowd their own life, is considered to be a good sign. Their sense of survival and success is dependent on how well they can please others. Having an ability to handle multiple responsibilities is an asset, but it is not so when you have to lose yourself and sacrifice your needs in the process ,all the time.

“Women have been raised to be care-givers and nurturers, which is why the problem is more prevalent for us than men,” says psychologist Dr Susan Newman, author of The Book of No. Take a break, cut yourself some slack.

Is being accepted by others one of the significant factors at play in your life?

Is there a gnawing feeling inside, which makes you seek acceptance from others? You set no boundaries for your own self? In our society, women are trained and habituated to believe that proving themselves to others will bring them self-esteem, self-worth and dignity.

Right from our mythological Goddesses, who were all scorched at the sacrificial pyre repeatedly, this theory is terribly self-defeating.

Failure or success is not about an inner journey, and it’s more about fitting in pigeonholes and boxes. So often, women have the tendency to feel acknowledged and loved by others when they are able to please the significant other. This significant other always holds her reins. This gets toxic. When one plays to the gallery constantly, it can turn her into a slave.   

Women feel emotionally vulnerable, used by others over and oever again, as they are not allowed to draw boundaries when it comes to doing things for others or considering self-conservation. They know how to give in relationships, but have to compromise when it comes to getting respect, understanding or dignity.

Saying “yes” to her own needs, desires and self doesn’t make a woman cold-blooded, egotistical and scheming. Understanding this is critical, as the spiral effect of this distorted and misguided notion can be seen in how women lead their lives.

Even though women are intrinsically strong, they still feel incomplete without corroboration of their identity from others. There is a fear of failure, non-acceptance, segregation and seclusion. They play along these lines and keep putting off their own life.  

Essentially, it is time to love one’s own self. Not the narcissistic kind of love, but love which honors the “true” and “authentic” self. Love that is devoid of external decorations. An inner strength which cherishes scars and journeys. Love which makes one celebrate and get that zest for life despite trials, tribulations, failures and falls.

image source