The best advice I got from the superwomen in my life

I have ploughed the internet and the self-help shelves for words of wisdom, but nowhere have I found advice as earthy and sound as from the three superwomen in my life

A few weeks before she left us, my mother had told me during one of our long-distance phone conversations: “Remember, my dear, financial independence is the most important thing for a woman. If you don’t work fulltime in future, make sure you earn some bit, even if it’s just enough to get your son a toy or an ice-cream occasionally.” And then she added: “Do take care of your hair and have your eyes checked regularly.” In the weeks following, she asked me to give her grandson more time, listen to him more, teach him to be respectful and polite --- generally, guide him like she had guided us. That conversation turned out to be one of the last with her before her passing. Every now and then, when I wonder whether it was a good idea to leave my job and become a stay-at-home mom, her words keep coming back to comfort me. It brings a smile to my face and I feel confident that I have made the right decision. My mother was not a working woman, but she, not my father, was the anchor to our ship. When I feel down and helpless, I remember her optimism, her patience, her resolve, and most of all, her winning smile. It gives me strength to carry on.

My mother-in-law was a working woman, but she put in superhuman effort to make sure her children, husband, the extended family, and even friends were taken care of. Her hospitality is legendary, and all her life she worked unimaginably hard to live up to the very high standards she set for herself. I marvel at the time when, living in a small town where help was hard to find, my mother-in-law got up at 4 am to whip up delicious dishes for a family, packed school and office lunches before rushing out to catch the bus that would take her school. Till this day, whenever people from our extended family, numbering at least 30-35 people, decide to visit our small town they always choose to drop anchor at my in-laws’ because they know they’ll be cared for like nowhere. All this made me ask her one day why she didn’t choose work or home, and this is what she said: “I have loved family life more than anything, even my job, but I needed my job as people need oxygen. I believe the job and the attendant stress and struggle gave me the will to work harder for my children. The job gave me a sense of purpose and kept me motivated, which is why, despite all the problems faced, I never quit.” Her resolve and her sincerity is a reminder what people can achieve if the set their heart on something.

The same determination I find in my sister, 10 years older than me and like a mother. She’s a brilliant teacher and a wonderful, compassionate human being. Having won a national scholarship for her graduation results and scaled many an academic peak, she could have become whatever she wanted to, but she chose to scale down her ambition and be there for her daughter. Over the years, I have often prodded her to look for better opportunities, marveled at her lack of ambition and even believed that she doesn’t seek to look for better openings because she’s lazy, but she’s stuck to her guns. Years ago, she had made it her life’s mission to see that her daughter gets the guidance and opportunity performs to her potential. Thankfully, the girl is making her dream come true. Late last year, when I told her of her decision to move back to Kolkata, she told me not to look for a fulltime job. “As a teacher, I have seen hundreds of children and I can tell you that your son has a lot of potential. Don’t let it go waste. Give him two years of your time and you’ll see the change. You owe him this much at least.” These words pretty much ended the debate in my mind --- should I work part-time or should I immerse myself in full-time work? As a full-time mom to my kid and a part-time worker, I can tell you that the new arrangement is totally worth it.

By Debjani Ray
Debjani Ray is a rebel in her quiet way. She loves reading, binge watching movies, and likes to think of herself as a writer. Her most significant body of work is an argumentative eight-year-old who keeps her on her toes. 

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