That Working Woman’s Guilt About Home And Family

Guilt is actually an emotion women fall trap to due to constant scrutiny and judgment by others. It makes them believe that they are doing something wrong, or committing a crime by how they lead their lives. One way or another, working mothers suffer from a persecution complex, as they are not considered to be good enough as caregivers, nurturers and guardians like their homemaker counterparts. This constant comparison leads them to be stressed and worried all the time.

At work, they have home and the kids at the back of their mind. At home, they feel rotten about being distracted at work. It is an absurdity which binds them due to the prevalent diktats of society.

Can we voluntarily dump such negative thoughts and notions, please? Here are a few ways to overcome that unfounded guilt:

Your kids don’t want you to be a perfect mom; they do want you to be a happy mom.

If work is part of one’s identity, personality and it’s a passion, then it is that defining factor which makes a person happy.

An achiever at work experiences contentment, joy and that rush. Doing justice to one’s work lets one detach and take a break later. Back home after a fruitful day at work, it removes any chances of feeling remorse about doing a half-ass job or being grumpy. This satisfaction further translates into making the most of the time at home.

An ill-tempered mother is a kid’s worst nightmare. A mom in a good mood is more fun, kinder and more relatable. They would then want such a parent to be around and share their lives with them. Not someone who is uninspiring, interfering, nagging or doesn’t have a life of her own.

Kids will become who their parents are; so become what you want them to be. Every mother dreams for their kid to be “happy, successful and healthy”. Set an example yourself.

Build, foster and have gratitude for your support system.

Tradeoffs, time tables, schedules and multitasking are sheer needs, but taxing ways of life for a working mom. This battle can’t be won single-handedly.

Create, appreciate, and nurture your support system. It is that human pool of people who come in your place to help and tend to your kids and home when you can’t be personally around: Nanny, cook, house-help, driver, in-laws, siblings, parents and partner who form that inner circle and pitch in.

They are the vertebras to your spine. Foster, value, respect and be grateful for these people around you; it is big reason why guilt will not play on your mind. Don’t take them for granted.   

Let daddy ‘mommy’ the baby too.

Raising a family is not an exclusive job for women anymore.

Couples who ensure that they can have a mutually agreed upon partnership in bringing up kids and running the household tend to have more success and happiness in their marriage. They are each other’s support system.

A great sense of peace and relief can flood a mother’s mind when she is not around and there is a hands-on dad at home.

Women need to ensure that they pick partners who are willing to pitch in and share responsibilities. When men do things to help, it is crucial not to nag, find faults or expect them to ape another person, especially the mother. Men can care, foster and tend to kids very well too; it is time they take on more of that responsibility and women trust them with that job.

Priyanka Das (real name withheld), 34, a media professional with a six-year-old daughter, says “Initially, when my daughter was born, I was paranoid about going back to work. I felt I was the only one who could take care of my baby in the best possible way. I would not allow or trust anyone with her care. On top of that, I would crib the whole day at work and home about how I had too much to do! “

“During one of my ranting sessions, my husband told me that I need to get a grip on reality. That he felt left out and distanced from our child thanks to me, as I never let even him do stuff for her. That day, something changed in me. Next day, we talked and drew up a plan to share duties around our daughter. I have realised, he is such a good dad and sometimes does a better job than me at handling things,” she adds.

Working mothers benefit kids

A woman who is available round-the-clock makes a better mom? That would be declaring all homes with homemaker-mothers as not dysfunctional, and those that don’t see turmoil, break-ups, divorces, violence and abuse. So not true!

It is not about being physically accessible at all hours and spoon-feeding kids. That is toxic and detrimental for them. Kids need to learn to be independent and solve their own problems.

Data and studies by Harvard Business School reveal kids benefit from having working mothers, as they are better role models for career graphs, higher/equal pay and more equal relationships for both partners at home.  

The fundamental thing is spending quality time with your kid. Become friends, play games or sports, put on your creative hats together, go for walks, run errands and perform chores together, and check in with each other during meal times. Such privileged time together every day will ensure one raises a happy and resilient kid. Definitely, when one sees their kids do well, there is no place for guilt.

Don’t worry about what other mom’s think

Women tend to beat each other down when it comes to competing for the “best mom” tag.

There is a need to prove to each other that one is better than the other at “mommyhood”.  This leads to serious power plays, games, jealousy and bitching to find faults in another. That creates further issues in self-esteem and guilt.

Just stop comparing yourself to others. As long as the child is happy, healthy and feels loved, others’ judgments, criticisms and notions do not count.  

Sheetal Jain (real name withheld), 38, an advertising professional with a eight-year-old son, says, “I have very odd hours at work and a routine drop-off and pick-up from school in the morning or afternoon is impossible for me. One day, one of the other mothers met me and said they feel really sorry for my child that I am never around. I was aghast by her presumptions about me. I just gave her a look and walked away from her.”

“I am very close to my son and we spend  lot of quality time together. And he totally supports me with my work timings. In fact, he has been to my office many times and told me that he is really proud of me,” she adds.

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