Mamma ki Diary

I belong to a family of diary writers. My grandfather maintained a diary all his life, and so did my Nani. Later my mother kept her diary strictly locked behind her steel almirah. My father wrote a diary too, both for accounting purposes, and to note lines from his favourite ghazals or songs. Therefore, my diary writing was only a genetic response to a habitual disorder. I would nourish my connection with the world around me only by creating a journal, by filling blank pages with handwritten notes on moments and events that touched my life. It was all very juvenile. Often, when I wouldn't know what to write, I would borrow lines from poems and stories that spoke deeply to me. I would call on my diary for inspiration and guidance. This diary of mine would help me express what could not be told in ordinary speech.

But the diary was meant to be personal - very sacrosanct. It wasn't supposed to be exposed to others, or to be shared.

Then came social media and online diary writing became popular It changed the way we looked at our diaries, or what we thought was 'very personal'. We could blog about our own intimate experiences of learning and making our way through our lives which often seemed ordinary, and mundane. "There is nothing much to share", we would say to ourselves. And yet moments and words would come to us, compelling us to share our thoughts in words, photos or otherwise. At that point, we would choose to go deeper to learn that moment or experience by heart so we could exchange notes on it later, much later.

'Mamma ki Diary' is a collection of several such notes on parenting which I wrote all over while making sense of the world around me as a mother. I wrote those notes often in a diary I wouldn't share with others, and I wrote sometimes on a larger public platform where confidence of my anonymity came from being in a 'virtual' space. Writing these notes in a diary - virtual or otherwise, was an act of peacemaking for me, where words became a partner, friend, and teacher by allowing me to be opened and changed. It led me to a fertile wholeness from where healing and inspiration came.

Parenting and growing up as a parent is an experience which puts all levels of our existence into alignment. The fragmentation that we all go through as parents in the multitasking onrush of being here, there and everywhere for everyone helps us push our rigid boundaries, and helps us melt a bit. We become more vulnerable, more expressive, and probably less arrogant too. The other parent - whether ours or otherwise, is no longer separate from us. We understand more. We forgive more. And yet, we hold on to several grudges against each-other.

'Mamma ki Diary', like a true partner, friend and teacher, allowed me to let go of those grudges and forgive, to heal. It may just be a book full of notes on parenting and family, but it is not a parenting guide. It is merely a diary, where a mother has recorded things from her memory that allowed her to be opened and changed, and become more accepting. It is a diary a mother hopes her kids will grow up and read from to their spouses and children.         

Whether you read 'Mamma ki Diary' or not is immaterial. But do write your own diary and exchange notes from it with others. That is the only way of giving hope to several others like us. We often do not share our responses to a particular situation, or challenge, or event; and respond to it in the way we have been conditioned to respond. These habitual responses often become a cause of much suffering because they lead us to the same situations again and again.

Now having written a diary, and having made it public, I can tell you confidently that writing a diary goes underneath conventional thought and it can help you see through what seems mundane and unimportant. It wakes you up to the vibrancy of the moment.

Share and exchange your notes on parenting, and your parents. On raising a family, and being in one. About mothering a child or a pet. On abuse, both physical and emotional. On loss tangible or intangible. Share them especially when you can't seem to be making a sense of 'a particular day' or event in your life. Write anonymously if you please, but share candidly. We write to heal. We share to help others heal.

xoxo