How to Sustain Love and Passion in a Relationship

Is your relationship with your partner defined more by friendship than passion but you still love each other and haven't given up? It's common for couples who have been married or committed to each other for a while and have busy lives, to drift apart emotionally and sexually. But, how to sustain love and passion in a relationship? The good news is that if you've lost the spark you once had, you can rediscover your sexual relationship and get back on track.

Lack of sexual passion is the most common problem that brings couples to therapists. While every couple is different, the most common scenario I see are couples with a strong emotional connection, a caring and respectful commitment to one another -- they like one another -- but they just don't feel that sexual spark any longer.

It's normal to feel a sense of disappointment when our desire for sexual intimacy doesn't match our partners and a pursuer-distancer pattern can develop. One spouse becomes the "pursuer" favoring closeness, and the other becomes a "distancer," favoring separateness." It's not uncommon for the person who is an emotional distancer to crave more sex and vice versa. Let's face it, when we fall in love and commit to someone, we have high hopes that we'll feel blissful and excited by him or her indefinitely. This leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when the passion dies down. Within two years, 20 percent of marriages end up sexless (less than 10 times a year) and an additional 15 percent become low sex (less than 25 times per year).

According to author Andrew G. Marshall, it's possible for couples to rekindle love by building a better understanding of themselves and each other, and ultimately constructing a stronger, more passionate connection. The two main culprits that destroy loving attachment in relationships are neglecting physical intimacy and not accepting each other's differences.

At least one of those differences might be gender based. She posits that women are natural multi-taskers who have an endless "to-do-list" and they have difficulty setting aside their worries of the day. To be sexual we must think sexually too.

Did you know that couples can also learn to rewire their brains to experience more emotional and sexual closeness? The human brain, while wonderfully complex, doesn't always work in their best interest so they need to add variety to their sex life in order to experience pleasurable feelings. Research shows that we get a healthy shot of dopamine (the feel good hormone) when we are seeking reward, and when there is something new to experience. Also excitement is transferable, so the heightened arousal that follows say, a roller coaster ride, can be used to rev up your sex life."

Here are 6 tips to help you rev up your sexual intimacy and rewire positive connections:

1. Examine your pattern of relating. These include ways you might be denying your partner or coming on too strong sexually. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the "blame game."

2. Break the pursuer-distancer pattern. Distancers need to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers need to find ways to tell their partner "you're sexy," while avoiding critique after sex.

3. Resolve conflicts skilfully. Don't put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships.

4. Boost up physical affection.  Physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones – cortisol.

5. Allow tension to build. Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we get the actual reward. So take your time, share fantasies, change locations and make sex more romantic.

6. Spend time with your partner on a daily basis. Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting your partner and practice flirting.