Don't Raise Your Children, Raise Yourself - A Book Review

Parenting never ends, because parenting is an emotion. Parenting forms a full circle of phased presence in the lives of children. It moves from full presence to no presence gradually, waxing and waning and waxing again. Just like the moon moves from a resplendent full moon, to a new moon. This book wouldn’t have been, but for the moon, her dreams and the moon who met her in her dreams for twenty-seven nights.

“Don’t raise your children, raise yourself!” – The un-parenting guide.

The title, the descriptor and the cover of this book hit me, as a parent. Here was a book that looked like a going-back-to-school for parents; a book that put the onus of good parenting on the parents themselves, officially. This looked like a book that would have some parenting tips such as specific tasks, activities, benchmarking and some key parameters for parents to evaluate themselves on. Like a book that would raise the bar on our parenting and help us raise our children better than what we are doing currently.

As a mother of a 21-year-old young adult today, I have seen over the last two decades how difficult parenting is. For all those who say that parenting is as natural as the grass is green and the rain that falls, only we, as mothers and fathers, know how difficult it is. It is like grinning and bearing the pain of not knowing whether what you are doing, saying, taking, showing your kids, is indeed right; it is the pain of not knowing what will get the desired results (and I am not just talking academics here, mind you); of being at a loss many a times when kids misbehave, apparently for no rhyme or reason; of feeling guilty for being too hard at times and too soft at times. Phew! That’s what parenting feels like. And when you ask for advice, bang comes the reply: “Oh that’s easy! Do xyz and you will see the difference; don’t do this and he will learn." And, so on and so forth.

Random advice and generalisation is the bane of parenting. Worse, you still don’t know if you are doing it right or wrong.

But, finally, here was a book that gave me hope; that made me feel that this one was going to indeed throw more light on good parenting skills and how every parent could indeed be a good parent.

I picked up the book and started reading.

“Sleep wraps my eyes shut and croons a bright silence in my ears. I stand alone in a silent ashen night, black and barren. I hear a thunderous galloping of horses before noticing a milky light at a distance. I stumble upon something that feels like a rolling round stone. I bend to pick it up. A resplendent pearl ball sits on my palm.”

In the initial pages of the book, Dr. Swati Lodha talks about her dreams and how these dreams, in which she has a tête-à-tête with the moon, made her write this book. She talks about the moon, his lunar cycle of 27 nights and the nakshatras (stars). Each nakshatra resembles one night, and there are 27 of them. Through each nakshatra, the author learns about one rule of good parenting.

Dr. Lodha has woven a wonderful mosaic of mythology, her dreams, her heart-to-heart chats with the moon, and the rules of parenting she has learnt in her dreams.

“Indian mythology believes that Chandra (Moon) is a lunar deity and a planet. He is connected with the dew and is one of the Gods of fertility. Chandra married 27 daughters of Daksha, the celestial architect who agreed on the promise made by Chandra that he would love all the daughters equally without favouring anyone. Chandra did not fulfil his promise and favoured Rohini. Daksha placed a curse on him that he would fade away. Chandra prayed to Shiva and Shiva granted him a boon and wore the crescent Moon on his head, making him grow for 15 days (Full Moon) and decay for 15 days (New Moon) periodically.”

At the end of each chapter, there are thought-provoking exercises which help you take stock of how you have been as a parent. These definitely make you think hard and, to me, they looked pretty scary as seen from a parent’s point of view. After all, which parent would want to evaluate himself as a parent and probably learn about the mistakes he/she has committed so far?

But as I got into the book, I could clearly see why those exercises and footnotes were there.

“Do you agree that parenting is perennial. Why?

"How can you apply the crescendo presence principle in your life?"

"Do you think that only the first phase from the Full Moon to the New Moon works for you? Elaborate for a better understanding of your own future goals."

The mythology part led to parenting lessons or, as I like to call them, revelations about parenting styles--about how a father and a mother bring different qualities to the table and how the kids benefit from both in different ways. It talks about the balance between the parenting styles of the father and the mother, and how it is necessary.

I have read the book and worked on each exercise in there. I am an enlightened soul today.

Dr. Swati Lodha’s book is a reflection of her long years of practice as a life transformation coach, her years of deep interaction with and mentoring children and their parents, both. Her observations of how kids and parents thought and behaved 15 years ago and how today’s kids and parents think and behave: The times, the environment, the exposure, the technological advancements, lifestyles, everything has had an impact and will keep having an impact on them, she observed.

“The time spent on playgrounds earlier is now being spent in front of the Internet. Exposure of children to various facets of life has reached a level that was inconceivable before, Globalization has brought all products, services and information at our doorstep. This makes the children remarkably option-rich and brand conscious. The impact of this is that individuals today have become a pressure cooker in which egos and emotions melt under conflict and competition. Changes in the family structure brought about by busy parents have altered the lives of children a great deal.”

The language is simple and flowing, slice-of-life and matter-of-fact. The best part is that the book is observational, reflective even, and gets parents to start thinking in a certain manner. It is not preachy; at the same time, it is not judgemental. It does not get parents into a guilt trap at all (The parent community is supposed to be one of the biggest guilt-groups on Earth); at the same time, it hits you hard in a way that it makes you think, act, pull up your socks and understand parenting better and motivates you to work on these skills. The tone clearly says that “Yes, here are ways to get better at parenting, but that does not mean you lose your natural parenting insights and drive.” It urges you as a parent to use both, your natural instincts as well as certain well-thought-through strategies.

Raising kids in this modern world is not easy; this book helps you do that in a more streamlined, practical and enlightened way. It helps you accept that parenting is an emotion and will never go away as long as you are alive.

As I closed the book, I sighed and smiled, thinking about the wonderful gift that parenting is. And the huge responsibility too. But what stayed with me is that parenting is a journey--each stage a new experience to be soaked in, enjoyed and remembered; each achievement a milestone to be celebrated, cherished and filed away to be relived, in the album of the heart and mind.

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