This Is Why We Don't Have "Marriage Of Equals"

Marriages are considered to be sacred, eternal and beautiful in India. Yes, with that they are also kind of mandatory for societal acceptance, security and sense of settlement for life. Wedding ceremonies are big, elaborate, grand and fat. Inspite of the related paraphernalia, there is one crucial thing which is still sacrosanct, and consecrated. These are your 7 vows. Once those 7 vows are taken together by a man and woman, they become one in this union of marriage. However have you ever delved into what those 7 vows represent, stand for and what one promises to each other?

1 VOW

The Groom says

I declare that the bond between man and woman gets strengthened by this first step, so from here on wife you will be helpful and prepare food. I in turn will provide welfare and happiness for the children.

The Bride says

I will humbly comply by your wishes my lord. I will be responsible for the care of the household, family and children. I will prepare food.

2 VOW

The Groom says

Wife, you will boost me up to instill with strength and courage, so that together we can protect the household and the children.

The Bride says

I will emotionally support you. Give you courage and strength, especially when you are in sorrow and miserable. In your happiness I will rejoice. I will keep you pleased at all times. And again I will take care of the family and the children. In turn there will be no infidelity from you.

3 VOW

The Groom says

I will financially provide for you and the children and look upon all other women as my sisters. I will pay for the kids’ education.

The Bride says

I will love you lord with a single minded devotion and all other men will be like my brothers.

4 VOW

The Groom says

I am so pleased by you, may we be blessed with obedient and noble children and they live long!

The Bride says

For you my lord I will apply sandalwood paste and fragrance from head to toes, to entice you. I will serve and please you in every possible manner.

5 VOW

The Groom says

I feel we are blessed and these blessings should pass on to our loved ones.

The Bride says

Hail lord!!! I will now share all your happiness and grief. I will honour and fulfill all your wishes

6 VOW

The Groom says

My heart is filled with joy and peace, may it remain like this at all times.

The Bride says

Lord again, I will stand by you in all righteous acts, in material prosperity, and in enjoyment of acts approved by the divine.

7 VOW

The Groom says

Our love and friendship is now eternal. Our marriage is eternal. You are my wife now!!!

The Bride says

Lord, as all this is as per the laws of God and the sanctity of the holy scriptures so I am your wife now. I have made all promises with a pure mind. I will always be truthful and we will love each other forever.

Are these vows between two people who are equal?

The man is pushed to turn into a mule, whose sole obligation for life is to be a provider. Provide under duress finances, safety, protection, security, food, shelter and children. Men are taught to be emotionally unavailable. Slighted and laughed upon for being vulnerable or having a heart. They are conditioned to believe emotional sustenance is a sign of the weak and irrelevant. Feelings, sentiments and passion are distractive, unnecessary, can be controlled and impediment to their success.

Boy, it is tough to be a man like this. Even though it may seem that the woman is the emotional and psychological anchor, they are still considered as weak. Their purpose and success lies in tending to the man’s needs. Their emotional strength is distorted by using it to serve a man’s demands. Women require validation and feel insecure on their own. So they are suppose to reward the man for the security he provides by being subservient, fulfilling his needs, birthing progenies, rearing them and go about administrative responsibility at home like an ace. This is marriage in a nutshell as dictated by prevalent societal norms.

It’s time we rewrite what is the purpose of marriage and what it metamorphically denotes to us.  We need to rewrite our own vows, which are based on these 7 elements for marriage between two equals.

Firstly, that both realize their worldview is complimentary, similar and find a match. They have shared values about children, religion, money and lifestyles. Both are genuinely interested in taking into consideration each other views in this journey of life together.  

They are friends, companions and buddies. Their friendship has trust, candid sharing of innermost feelings, fears and fantasies. No judgments, space and honesty. They share ideas, thoughts and silence. Fight and argue. Crib and complain. Critique and give feedback. Annoy each other. Yet the friendship always remains intact. Most importantly they are able to laugh and cry together.

We are all damaged, broken, flawed, imperfect, insecure, blemished and messed up. But for those two people the same things draws and connects them to each other. It makes them want to be with each other. They are vulnerable in front of each other, never having to fear of being hurt or that to be used against each other later.

Both are equals: in goodness and crime. There is mutual respect even on those days, when one hates the other the most. There is respect towards each other’s work, family, needs, desires and idiosyncrasies.

They want and build things together; each other, children, family, home, finances and a life together. They share mundane chores, cooking, dirty laundry, annoying responsibilities, the troubling mess, the children, look out for each other when the other is down and travel together. They support each other when things go wrong with ones families, health or work.  

How they want each other. The physical intimacy and connect. They want, need and can’t do without each other physically. Sometimes that fire will burn consuming them fast or at times ebb like a slow tide, but always there. Just a brush of hands, that exchange of looks or lying in bed together very close, will take away every worry or concern off their mind.

Lastly, when everything is going wrong, where even one doesn’t believe in their own self or see any ray of happiness, the other is able to make them stand up, dream and live. They believe and nurture each other. They are happy to see the other thrive and have deep emotional attachment.

This is a marriage of equals. Write your own vows.

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