Battling The Poison Of Bitterness After A Breakup

The heartbroken lover in this story is a Pune based media professional, with interest in people and their stories. His own love stories however, have unfortunately ended in sorrow… 

P - “Can I ask you something? Please be kind enough to reply.”

S - “Ask.”

P - “You do not require me in your life any more, do you?”

S - “If that is what you want to think, I can’t help it. You have fashioned your life in a way I can’t. As you know I have decided to go abroad and settle there. Just because I am going away does not mean I don’t love you any more. Why can’t we let time decide this, but I can’t ask you to do so as that I know I have no right.”

P - “Please don’t put up airs. You did get bored of me. All I can say is be kind to people who love you, else life will take its revenge on you.”

S - “I know I am not and may be life is taking its revenge on me as it is.”

That’s how my three-year-old relationship ended; over a series of Whatsapp chats. To be honest, I knew the end was near, but had decided to hold on to the last straws in hope that things might just work out. After all, I had given my heart and soul into something I thought was to last forever.

Well, like most things in my life, relationships do not come easy. They start slow, with me being the reluctant one, but when they start, I am head over heels. This time round, I initiated the end, as I knew it had already lost the spark from the other end. It was just not worthwhile. One of the main things that I look for in a relationship is its surety, and once that goes out, I know the end is near.

Early this year, I decided to face what I knew was to come. I had known it for the past year or so - that I need to go back to being single again as I have lost the importance I had in her life.

Just to give a very brief background, this was a relationship, which had resurrected itself when I thought it had but ended for good. In short, almost three years back we had parted ways – the reason was mostly my instincts, which had warned me against pursuing this person. But I remembered the good times and, when we got back, it was almost a second lease of life for me.

Anyway, three years is not a very short time especially if you are an early 30-ish man with little or no prospects in the market (lets face it, I ain’t no Greek God, nor does my pay check resemble some astronomical figure).

Rather than loneliness what I fear most is the misadventure of the heart and the poison of bitterness, which creeps into one’s self. That poison manifests itself as anger, as frustration and a general un-quietness in your being. It stops you from being productive and also makes you behave like an injured animal, snarling at every one. I have been through that phase once before and didn’t want to go through it again.

So I did the best thing I could do – I just let it go; took a deep breath and told myself, “Darling I am with you. It is okay, you are alone; it is okay, you lost your charm, but it is not okay that you beat yourself up. Be with yourself, be gentle with yourself and whatever you do, do not behave as if nothing has gone wrong. Just be with yourself and comfort yourself. Time, as they say heals, but you need to start the process.”

The process of healing, I must say is anything but pleasant.  Imagine a suture being used without application of anesthesia. It is necessary, as without it you would lose your life. But the pain can be excruciating.

For me, dreams are the most potent way to understand the stages of myself. After my break up, my former lover started haunting me in my dreams. I saw intimate scenes of me kissing those lips, of tasting her all over again. Did I cry? I think I did. There were incidents of anger too. But all these reactions were therapeutic and served to remind myself that I have a human heart. This realisation would help me go on.

So almost six months down the line, where do I stand now? I am not very sure; may be somewhere between hope and despair. I have managed to ‘unfriend’ my former lover from my social network, but I am yet to plunge into the dating game. Strangely, my body does not seem to want to sex or the touch of another human being. But I know I am okay. The pain remains, but I don’t think I have the anger in me. Even if it surfaces, I won’t let it conquer me.

(As Told To Ritu Goyal Harish)