Who Am I?

Sara had been married for 10 years. It was an arranged marriage. Sara was, by nature, dynamic and always on the move, always wanting to try out new experiences, ready to play ball games with boys, and match them at every step when it came to creating a ruckus--qualities her parents had tried to subdue for many years as they believed it not acceptable behaviour for a woman in this society.

While Sara was given the best education and provided with every comfort, she was also regularly corrected for her perceived "wild" behaviour. Her parents hoped in later years that marriage and domesticity would calm the girl. So when Sara was introduced to the handsome Aamir, her family was overjoyed. Not only was Aamir from a well-to-do, reputed home, but he was the opposite of Sara: Calm and content with his mundane living. Finally, Sara had someone who would tame her.

Aamir didn’t make many demands, but he did expect Sara to be there at home before he was, not mingle with her colleagues, and spend more of her free time at home. Life for Sara was home to work and back again. Aamir wanted a working albeit domestic wife and expected Sara to be one.

Sara tried to mould herself. Being constantly told her behaviour, impulsive nature and loud laughter was not acceptable. she did her best to fit the norm. She started believing there was something abnormal in the way she conducted herself. In the process, she started losing her true self. Sara did not enjoy being bound, but marriage happened, a son came later, and the demand from society to fit into the role of what is an acceptable wife and mother. Yet, her inner self was always keen and ready to try new experiences. She did make the effort; she was the doting wife, the caring mother, the obedient daughter-in-law. What she wasn’t, was happy.

There was a perpetual dissatisfaction she could not identify with. Simple pleasures she was asked to sacrifice that added to the discontent. While it was alright for Aamir to catch up with friends after work sometimes, if Sara did the same, she was reprimanded. Trying out a new hobby or indulging in something she enjoyed was a task for her, as there were permissions to be taken and approvals to be sought.

There were regular fights between husband and wife; and when parents intervened, they always found her at fault. They could not understand why Sara refused to behave like other women. What was wrong with domesticity? After all, it was a woman’s job to care for home and hearth. These were her responsibilities, so why couldn’t she just do her job, right? She was continually reminded of how lucky she was that Aamir allowed her to go to work. While Sara wasn’t doing her part right.

Every time she tried to reason, to explain her desires, Sara was defeated. She just wanted someone to understand her feelings and acknowledge her wishes. She spoke to her parents about leaving Aamir, but each time was asked to be thankful for what she had and let go of other unimportant things. After all, Aamir was a nice man, wasn’t abusive and treated her right, he was the model husband. No one understood that though things seemed perfect, it was Sara’s spirit that was being killed.

Slowly, Sara lost interest in her house and her child. For her, the boy became another bond to pull her down. Aamir, a homebody, would return and spend time with his son. No one thought that maybe being a father, it was as much his duty as Sara’s. Aamir became the warm, caring father while Sara was labelled the callous mother. Sara lived with her disappointments and resentment, while Aamir, who anyways enjoyed the domestic life, became the hero.

Then, the inevitable happened. Sara found another who understood her frustrations. Initially, she resisted, but the pull to be with someone who allowed her to be herself, the free spirit she was born as, was very tempting. 

Gradually, changes occurred in her and she became more pleasant to be around. Her behaviour, though more acceptable, also caused suspicion. No one had seen Sara at peace in many years. Aamir got suspicious and went through her things. He read the texts exchanged between Sara and her boyfriend. And all hell broke loose. Her parents were called, Aamir, who provided her with love and security, had been repaid in such a lowly manner. Sara was humiliated in front of her son and asked to leave home.

Her parents refused to take her in as she had brought shame to the family with her reprehensible behaviour.

But for Sara, this wasn’t punishment; finally, she was free. Free from the bonds that tied her down. Free from being asked to behave in a certain manner, do things as per society's norms. Sara didn’t have anyone to support her, but she felt happier that day than she ever did. She could finally be herself, her true self.

How many Sara’s do we meet in our daily lives? Women we look at and brand as bad mothers or uncaring daughters. Young girls we bar from playing football or cricket, expecting them to grow up to all things feminine, asking them to gently but surely give up their true essence. We wonder why a woman like Sara is not satisfied with the perfect family she has been gifted.

But we never ask if that is truly what she wants. Women often complain they were so full of spirit and energy before, but their wings were clipped. Most didn’t protest, but accepted their fate. Many spent their adult life unhappy, wondering. They are all lost somewhere between how they should be and how they want to be. We change them assuming we know best, but do we really?

Sara tried too, first to marry a man who would help her be a well-domesticated woman, then by suppressing her true self at every step. If we allow these free spirits the right to be themselves, maybe they could find a balance between family and self. It is our duty to teach our girls to cherish their real being. Some may wish to soar the skies and return home, some will love the family life, and others will always be wanderers by heart, and we must nurture each and every one of them and give them the freedom to be, so that there are fewer unhappy Sara’s in the future, constantly sacrificing their selves for society.

To be continued…

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