I am 38, single, and I have created a profile on a matrimonial site. Every day my inbox is filled with uncles trying to wife me. Hilarity Ensues.
 

I’ve composed the bulk of this on a flight from Bangalore to Delhi—while being squeezed between one uncle and one fairly young dude that both seem like they have never seen a girl in their life. To mentally combat their manspreading and farting, I decided to wage a war using only words.
 

So the latest crazy decision I have made in my life is that after rocking Tinder and some Desi dating apps, I thought I should get my ass partnered. (or at least connected to someone other than a fuckboy.) The dream of partnership is real—we wax poetic about spending life with someone, you see people blowing up social media with “I louuuuwe you baby” and whatnot. It starts to get to you.
 

Fuckboys. Fuckboys and man-children everywhere.
 

So, it’s not that I haven’t tried. I have been fortunate to have big love in my life more than once. My ex (hubby) was a looker and a dreamer like me. Two dreamers and no doers tend to get on each other’s nerves after ten years, so we parted ways. It didn’t help that I had two early miscarriages and he accused me of lying about them. Boy, bye.
 

So then I went through this mourning period for my first marriage and eventually launched myself into the world of app based dating. I tried all of the platforms and met amazing people, even fell in love—but none of them stuck. (yet)

It’s raining men!
 

So every once in a while I go through this period of “F this shit” and I take myself off all the platforms and go on mancation—but the nagging voice in the back of my head tells me I should be trying.
 

When you are 38, that voice tends to belong to the one egg that you have left, clinging on to dear life. My egg, let’s call her Andi, is responsible for making a lot of the bad decisions in my dating life. Mainly, believing men when they kissed me and immediately said “let’s have a baby.” (This has happened twice since I have been actively dating in India—no lie)
 

Andi is making all the rules
 

Andi does not want to be washed away in a torrent of nutritious blood—she wants a chance at life. And hence, after a period of dating some flashy guys with sweet words—I put myself on Shaadi.com, probably the most well known platform for brown matrimony in the world. Shaadi lets you screen potential suitors, but also lets people interested in you contact you. Super premium members also get your contact information … and therein lies the rub.
 

Logging on to Shaadi every day has been an exercise in patience. Premium members have this unprecedented access to me—they can see my information and pictures, send me texts indicating they think I am a good fit… basically everything but show up at my house with their biodata in tow.