Divorce is an accident. Marriages don’t take place to be dissolved. But when somebody reaches that stage, the comparable word for such eventuality will be accident. Something that’s not planned but it came into your life, leading to damage. In accidents, it is damage to a part of the body. In divorce, it's emotional damage that happens and generally affects a person psychologically.
Now when an accident happens, we see two kinds of response from victims. One who met with an accident and had his hands amputated might feel so tormented that he will give up his life, considering it to be meaningless. He will call himself unfortunate. Feelings of despair and dejection would go on to the extent that his whole life will look miserable. This one accident has changed his entire course of life. Naturally, he will lose many years before overcoming the trauma, if at all he comes back.
Another person in a similar situation would naturally feel affected. The damage is irreparable. But after coming to terms with the eventuality, he challenges that state of despondency and helplessness. He will not let one accident take away his entire life. He lost one hand, not his whole life. His critical faculties are working and running. He fights with it. He takes it POSITIVELY. He has changed his life with the right attitude.
My experience as a lawyer dealing extensively with divorce cases (I prefer that to being called a ‘divorce lawyer’) also brought me two parallels when I take on divorce cases.
It’s unfortunate that you are proceeding with divorce. It’s the situation and the circumstances that brought you to this situation. You could have controlled it or averted it. But in hindsight, all things can be corrected. Maybe the accident leading to amputation of hand would not have happened if the victim had applied the brake a second earlier. But that’s what an accident is all about.
One set of clients takes too much upon themselves. They come with a vendetta, accusing the spouse of ruining their life. Then that client embarks on a journey to highlight the truth.
He draws ultimate pleasure from the losses of the spouse. They forget one thing. In that process they are also ruining their own time and life. When you litigate, you have to play according to the rules of the game. But does it make sense to spoil your entire life in waging this divorce litigation? Do they go ahead and do it because they want to prove themselves right, or create a difficult situation for their spouse, which gives them pleasure? A sadistic pleasure.
There’s another type of clients who, as soon as they get involved in this kind of a situation, after an initial period of acceptance, find a way to reach a solution. They will work out how to make things easier. They belong to the category of people who understand that damage has been done. The accident has happened. It’s better not to prolong the agony.
Eventually, it’s the attitude of the person that determines the quantum of damage they are going to suffer through. They have the power of changing their destiny.
In recent past, I have seen divorces are being fought with some ideological lineage. Feminists say, “Decimate men. They are the source of the problem.” Laws meant for their protection are used to achieve their objective sometimes not to seek justice but to win that ideological battle.
And now newly emerging men’s groups, men’s right activists, people pretending to be fighting for the cause of men also come in on a mission to create legal challenges and fight at a level where the legal case becomes a casualty of this ideological battle.
Why can’t people involved on either side see the reality? The reality is that they are wasting their own life in these prolonged legal fights. I see both of them losing. The winner is the one who lets the accident harm them least. There will be damage. But how they minimise it will eventually determine the winner in the battle of divorce.
Osama Suhail
Osama Suhail is a lawyer with expertise in matrimonial matters covering divorce, child custody, domestic violence and criminal proceedings. He’s engaged in counselling and litigation across all courts, especially in Delhi.