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This is such a deal breaker still in 2016, umm almost 2017. Changing surname after marriage and taking husband's surname was seen as an achievement for Indian women. It supposedly exemplifies security, social status, good character, honor for the family and legitimacy.
Don’t you love your husband? This is what people say to a perplexed newly married girl to make her feel darn guilty. How does love for a husband get expressed by this surname change? It is just a populist cultural misappropriation? If tokenism could prove and keep emotions real, then marriages would just cease to have any problems, all over the world. That is definitely a truck load of spiel.
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Women are guillotined in the name of love. A woman has to change, compromise and give up her surname to prove the greatness of her sacrificial love towards her man. Love in today’s world is real hard work. Two people constantly need to work at their relationship for it to last. Changing a surname is just “old school regalia.”
“In our society many women take pride in changing their names after marriage. They see themselves as a new person post marriage. But for me both; during and post marriage, nothing really changed for me. I was still the same person and so was my husband/boyfriend. Hence the need to change my name was never a need. My surname is also a way to still feel that I was part of the family in which I was born to, despite being in a completely new environment. Therefore I decided not to change my name.” says, Madhura Dasgupta, 30, Communication Manager, Centre for Policy and Research.
(From left to right Madhura Dasgupta and Debyoti Dey)
Her name is her identity. Women find their identity through marriage in our country. When a woman is raised to believe that her identity before marriage is transient, impermanent, not good enough, that creates formidable and irreversible damage.
“I actually asked some cool and independent women friends of mine from my generation who have in fact changed surnames; I didn't get anything meaningful from them. I know some of their husbands were adamant about changing the partner’s surnames. And some women said it's easy for paperwork, bank work travel visas etc.
I don't believe changing my surname makes me a more a part of the new family I decided to marry into. My name is a part of my existence, constant reminder of my primary family. Why should I have to change my name to abide by norms? It really doesn't mean anything.” exerts Debyoti Dey, 32, Architect
It’s all about the Indian “sanskaar”. One is told this is about upholding family honor, becoming part of your “own and real family” and this how kids feel secure.
“I was born in Sengupta family and now being married doesn't mean that my lineage and background cease to exist.” Reiterates Shubhomita Sengupta, 33, Smart Cube, Research Manager
Women are raised as commodities to be pawned off through marriage. So in the Indian context, the family in which she is born into is not really her own family.
Till her marriage, with such mindsets to deal with, a lot of times she has to either deal with harrowing times where she is cursed and harassed for being a girl or oppositely, treated like a doll as these are her limited years of freedom and happiness.
Then marriage happens. Good riddance. End of story. So the change of surname also is suppose to finally give her “own and real family and identity”.
(Top: Manjusha Chatterjee, Left below: Ramneek Kang and Right Below: Shubhomita Sengupta)
Societal Pressure is something which entraps even the well educated, financially independent and globetrotting girl. Community, religion, family and relatives play a larger role in Indian marriages.
Having to explain oneself for not changing the surname is a laborious task. There is a backlash from people around. Feeling weak under such pressure, it feeds on a person’s fears and low self esteem. There is a constant need to be supported by a man to feel happy, content and complete women.
“I didn't feel the need to or desire to. Also most women married into Dripto's family haven't either. No one brought it up or insisted. As for others, it could be a choice or pressure from in laws” says Manjusha Chatterjee, 30, Public health consultant based in London.
This definition of our own self, coming from the position of being someone's wife, mother, daughter or sister completely nullifies their existence.
Women have to support and watch each other’s back. When they become aware and careful about the responses they give as woman to another woman as family, friends and relatives, only then things can change.
“It is a non-issue for me & my husband. My name is my distinctive self, and that didn't change because I got married. Tells Ramneek Kang, 30, Special Events Manager, Indo – American Arts Council in Manhattan.
These stories of young, successful, married and millennial women show that how they are taking their own destiny, identity, choices and existence in their own hands. No one curbs or controls it. Thankfully, women are done with validating their existence, period.
These issues are just not common to India.
Patriarchy rules in Japan too. Read here how - In Japan, More Women Fight to Use Their Own Surnames.
Aah, yes this is Britain historical legacy with it - Why should women change their names on getting married?