Tossing for the tenth time on my bed I gave up and opened my eyes. ‘2 am’ the clock glared. I tried to shut it out but anxiety won over sleep. I looked around at the room -the walls, the ceiling- so many years in this house, is tonight the last time I can call this my home? I asked myself, feeling void.
I remember the first time I walked into this house, I was twelve. And from that very moment it became my home. Happiness, sorrows, joys, laughter, tears, excitement and every other feeling is attached to this place. I have grown up and gone from a kid to a girl here but now is it time to leave?
Why does it feel so alien?
But looking at the brighter side, I'm going to have a new one tomorrow. I’m supposed to be happy about it…
I am happy. This is what that happiness feels like, right?
I walked into the living room where my parents and few other relatives are resting. Tired from the whole day of preparations, mom and dad were asleep. But their faces didnt have that charm. Why? Do they feel the same?
The feeling of loosing something began empowering the feeling of gaining something else.
Without disturbing anyone, I went back to my bed and tried to shift my focus to the happy side. I am getting married tomorrow, and there were many more things to think of. Like fit into those larger-than-life-but-tighter-than-atoms clothes. And look skinnylicious in it, after all I am only going to wear that dress once in my lifetime. Even if I ever wear it again, the feeling wont be the same. I will not be the bride anymore.
The bride, yes I am THE BRIDE and I have to look picture perfect tomorrow. I have to get up early. Damm sleep why dont you come when I need you the most!
I felt the urge of talking to someone. Tell all what was going on in my mind. But the only person I know who would be going through the exact same thing is him. I should text him, and see how he's doing, I thought looking at my phone.
Wait! what if he is completely fine and merry and my 3am stupidity ruins his night?
OH God! why am I behaving like a nervous wreck!
I can't believe I'm anxious. I really thought I wouldn't be one of those brides that has weird tantrums for no reason and have people just write it off because well, I'm the ‘bride.'
Come to think of it, I haven't freaked out during this entire ordeal. Between dress fittings, shopping, planning, invitations, dinners, where is the time to freak out?!
But thinking deeply, when did this wedding become so big? Six months ago I didn't even know this man. And now I am going to spend my entire life with him.
My friends are joking that from now on I'll have to ‘okay’ all my plans with him. If they need to see me, I'll have to ask him first.
I say - so what?! How is that bad? I have a date for a lifetime! And he's a wonderful human being afterall.
I got up to go to the washroom. On returning another thought crossed my mind. I'll be sharing a room from now on. I've never done that. I'll even have to share a bathroom, Shit!
On top of that, the night after the wedding, What will I do tomorrow night? How different would it be?
Oh man, what's this gooey feeling?
Easy easy I calmed myself. You've been planning this wedding for three months. It was like a whole project alongwith a can't-be-changed deadline, with a big metaphorical count-down-clock and everything. So much work!
Sooooo much work. And instead of just celebrating all the hours we put in to pulling this off, I am wasting my time thinking weird things. All this insanity, partying, the whole ‘jashn’ is just for me and him.
Why do we start off the rest of our lives with such a big bang?
Where are we supposed to go from here? Everyone keeps telling me,’this is the happiest day of your life’; on thinking logically why should this be the happiest day?
I mean, if you want to celebrate anything in such grand fashion, celebrate the tenth anniversary -- 'Yayyy we tolerated each other for a decade, WOOHOOO' and with that smiling thought I finally slept.
(P.S. to Arfan Dossani - Thanks alot hubby for making this marriage and everything relating to it so easy for me.