Mothers are mostly associated with mommy guilt and often keep moving from one guilty point to another. Guilt comes naturally to mothers whether working or not, new or not so new moms. Highly successful women, who are also mothers have voiced out their guilty feeling and stay at home moms feel guilty too that they might be not be achieving their full potential as an educated woman. When children cry out of separation anxiety to go to school, mothers feel bad the whole day. No one tells them it is okay for the child to cry at times, and they are taken care of by the professionals at school, and most importantly separation anxiety is a part of growing up. A lot is written on mother’s guilt and how to break that in recent times, but our society dwells mostly on giving comments to women to increase their guilt and women out of conditioning dwell a lot on self pity too.
As a woman and as a mother it is indispensable to overcome the feeling of guilt, at least try to understand why of the “guilt trap”, the truth behind it and how to break it for our own good. It is not difficult to understand that a frowning mother ridden with countless guilt pangs is doing no help to herself and to her family.
Why women feel more guilt than men?
It is very obvious to see that most new mothers are worried about leaving their children to the day care or nanny as compared to the new fathers. The social conditioning is that for a child the mothers should take the responsibility to bring her up and new mothers could not come out of it both physically and emotionally. The unavailability of reasonably good day cares in India, no flexibility in the working hours, long commutes to work, and social curiosity for a new mother put an immense guilt pressure on mothers. Mothers who show their brave and happy face at office after dropping the kid at day care are judged fiercely. Most women quit working at this stage of their lives. For men these pressures are minimal and they don’t face the hormonal changes too. Men are not multitasking; they spend the time thinking on one activity and hence can engross more at work, and can spend happy time upon returning home.
What can we do about it?
Between the mommy and guilt there is a two sided relationship, some are created by us as a mother and some dumped on us from the society we live through its expectations and lack of support. Its time we find way through and around the guilt trap.
Believe that a village is required to raise a child: The babies are carried inside our body for 9 months but once they are born as a mother we need to understand that a human child needs a village to be raised. However good our intentions could be, we are not enough to raise a child on our own, the fathers (not just to pay the bills), the grandparents, the neighbors and most appropriately the support structure (professional nanny, child care centers, teachers etc.). We need to build trust on them and we should be able to discuss constructively when we find gaps in the view of raising a child between them and us.
One step at a time: Often mothers are very tired physically and emotionally and fall into the guilt trap because they find it wrong to be tired. It is necessary to allow ourselves to take time for us, little distance from the thoughts and duties of parenting can do us immense good.
Create group of non-judgmental peers: Just after being a mom and in the years to come, we realize that a mother is always judged for the well being of a child. Build strength to avoid these people. Listen to them with open heart, but be objective about the comments. Handpick positive people who have already passed your phase and can give you tips to handle the situation. Creating a network of non-judgmental peer group is best you can do your good.
Read and find the positive case studies: Reading books like Lean In, can help any working woman to acquire lots of strength to overcome the guilt struggles. There are books, case studies and a lot of information available online. Utilize them for your help. For example, I was relieved to read that Children who goes to day care fall sick often, but it helps the child to gain immunity over most of the child hood diseases and are mostly more strong to cope the school years.
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