Is Tonight The Night?

Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Peter Russell – what is common among them all? For the not-so-trained-eye, it would seem as if the common thing between them is lack of sex in their lives.

Do you know why only stand-up comedians don’t get enough sex? Let me let you in on a little secret. Nobody gets enough of it…but it is only the stand-up comedian who complains about it in front of a crowd.

One doesn’t need to be an acclaimed stand-up comedian for your sex life to be screwed up….It is enough if you are an aspiring stand-up comedian as well.

I remember we would go at it at every available opportunity. Just so you know, once we celebrated Rekha making round rotis with a half-hour session on the cemented floor.

I also remember the time when we had successfully carried a table fan we bought from Saravana Store, T-Nagar, Chennai – on my bike…me driving and Rekha sitting behind me and holding the table fan. Although tired to the bone, we celebrated the moment we were home by switching on the table fan and enjoying in its fresh breeze.

Back then it was spontaneous. Back then, it was much more.

Nowadays, things have changed. Only yesterday, I was with Rekha as she made morning tea and said: “When we got married you didn’t know how to cook…. Remember how I taught you?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Nowhere…. Just wanted you to NOT forget your teacher,” I insisted.

“Just in case you don’t know…. Tonight is the night…. Want to spoil it?”

I backed off. Got into my shell. I hadn’t known that tonight was going to be the night. Now that I knew…I couldn’t risk anything. When Rekha says such a thing, it is as if the court has given a date, and one has to keep it…. Else it gets pushed back by another week.

“No no…. I don’t want to spoil it.” I took my cup of tea and went and sat down where I had the least chance of running into Rekha – near the books.

After two hours, I slowly walked towards Rekha and asked: “Is the breakfast ready?”

“It will be ready soon.”

“OK.” Is all I could say before going and sitting next to my books. An hour later – at 10 am – I got my breakfast.

If Rekha hadn’t told me at 7 am that tonight was the night I was going to get lucky, I would have known anyway – around 12 noon.

My wife doesn’t know that I have read the signs and can now predict with 99% accuracy if I am going to get lucky or not. The remaining 1% is when we end up watching a Richard Gere or George Clooney movie after lunch or dinner and suddenly Rekha starts hating me.

This is how the events of the day pan out on such days.

12 noon: Rekha asks me, “You aren’t shaving today, is it? You know…you should shave on weekends so that you can avoid the Monday rush.”

12.15 pm: Rekha tries hard to get our daughter Rhea to finish her lunch by 12.30 pm and sleep by 1 pm max.

12.30 pm-2.00 pm: Rhea doesn’t understand our emergency and continues to play around in the bed. Initially, it's cute but with time she starts appearing like a monster who doesn’t want you to get close to your wife. Sometimes it even appears as if she is doing it on purpose. Around 1.30 pm the patience wears off and both Rekha and I start scolding her to sleep. By 2 pm, both of us have forgotten about making love and are more concerned that Rhea sleeps early so that we can have our lunch.

2.20 pm: We are just winding up our lunch, while watching TV and Rekha says: “You want to postpone it?” I chuckle…as if we were talking of the Rio Olympics, which needs to be postponed because of the Zika virus which has spread all over Brazil. But most of the times I agree with, “At night then?”

3.00 pm: We are both lying in bed tired and full of food….a wee bit glad that it isn’t over yet. At least, there is something to look forward to, in the evening.

3.30 pm: Rekha has slept and I am thinking…. Why couldn’t it be possible twice? Why not now and then again in the evening? Since when did that stop happening? The day I did it twice seems so distant now. So distant that I don’t even remember if it was with the same woman.

4.30 pm: The alarm goes off and the whole family is out of the siesta. The first thing that comes out of my mouth as I get up and look at Rekha: “In the night then, huh?” She agrees. But I can already see she is regretting it…. She would have preferred finishing it off in the afternoon so that it doesn’t hang over her head like the sword of Damocles.

5.30 pm: I approach my wife, “Pratap just called….said he wanted to catch up over a beer. You have any plans?” Rekha shoots down the plan saying she doesn’t like the smell of beer and I will have to choose between Pratap and her. I call up Pratap to say that my wife had already planned a shopping trip and I won’t be able to join the beer session.

6.30 pm: Rekha approaches me and asks, “You haven’t shaved yet?” I tell her that I was going to in the next ten minutes at which she quips: “In that case, you might also want to take a bath.”

6.45 pm: I shave and reach out to Rekha to let her know. She responds with: “You still understand that we might not do it at all today, right? What if Rhea sleeps late tonight?” I respond with, “Yes I know…. I just shaved now to avoid the Monday morning rush.”

7 pm: Rekha decides that it is time to wash the bedsheets and pillow covers in our bedroom. She changes them with a fresh set even as Rhea and I watch her indulge in the activity.

7.30 pm: Rhea’s dinner time starts early today. Usually it is 8 pm…but today its 7.30…to provide for that extra 30 minutes that need to be squeezed in into the daily schedule.

8.00 pm: Rhea is still eating…

8.30 pm: Rhea has reached dessert…

9.00 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has just begun…

9.30 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has got extended by another 15 minutes for the third time.

9.45 pm: Rekha and I are losing our patience. And Rhea isn’t sleeping. It looks like a close finish – will we be able to make it? The huge question hangs in the balance.

10.00 pm: The TV has been switched off and Rhea has agreed to hold her mother’s hands and sleep.

10.10 pm: Because she wasn’t closing her eyes, Rhea got scolded by her mother. Now she isn’t friends with mother…but friends with her father… So now she is trying to sleep holding her father’s hands.

10.20 pm: Slight nasal snoring indicates a child with common cold has finally hit the bed and has started sleeping. Both Rekha and I watch The Big Bang Theory for 15 minutes just to be sure Rhea is sleeping well.

10.45 pm: Rekha opens up first, “Do we really want it today?”

I nod my head.

“After dinner or before?” She asks.

“Hmm…difficult question…. It's almost 11 and I am hungry as hell,” I say.

“I know. Me too.” For once my wife and I agree on something.

“But will anything change after dinner? We might be done with dinner only by 11.30 pm…. You shouldn’t say its really late and all that.”

Rekha said: “Frankly, even now I am not 100% decided…. So let's have dinner and hope for the best.”

Thirty minutes later, we leave Rhea sleeping in our master bedroom and head for the second bedroom. As I close the curtains in the room, I see my neighbor standing in his balcony stare in my direction, grin and give me a thumbs-up sign. If I were him, I would also have done the same – why else would somebody pull close the curtains at 11 in the night?

As I walk to the bed, my mobile phone buzzes…. It is a Facebook notification. My neighbour from the balcony had updated his Facebook status and tagged me as well. His update reads: “Predicted right for the 37th time. He gets lucky tonight!”

P.S: We seem to be one of the lucky couples. I know one that send an Outlook Calendar invite to each other when they want to make love.