“So I'm not sure how did I miss Elizabeth Gilbert coming out, but I just found out now. And guys, you don't know what it means to me! So I'm going to tell you.
Many people have asked me over the past few years "how did you get into all that spiritual stuff?" and I tell them a story of my unexpected pregnancy followed by having to come back from Japan to Russia, to try to fit into a lot of society bullshit that I felt I had to fit in. I tell the story of how my autoimmune disease has flared up and left me drained, weak and unable to function most days. Severely depressed too and without much hope because all I heard from doctors was "change the dose of your medicine and you'll be fine'. And I wasn't. And I knew I won't be because I saw my mom suffer from the same thing. I saw her on the couch most days: tired, depleted, her body failing her in new ways seemingly every day.
So I experimented by changing my diet, habits and lifestyle. A lot of it helped, but not entirely. I was physically better but still as depressed and empty inside. And then, I'd tell you, all those magical synchronicities happened and pointed me towards meditation and people showed up in my life.
That's the story I would normally tell you. But there is a part of it which I, myself, have forgotten for a while. Before all the synchronicities, stories and mystic experiences, there was something that opened a door to that wonderful world. And here's how it went:
Robert, Sam (my son) and I were on our way back from visiting his family in the US. In front of us there was that long flight, during which, I assumed, I would mostly try to keep Sam (who was then two) busy. We were almost at the gate to board our plane when we passed by the book store. If you know me, you know I love bookstores. This time, however, I figured I won't have much of a chance to read a book because I had to entertain a toddler. But Robert wanted to look for a magazine he couldn't find anywhere, so we walked in. I was wandering aimlessly between bookshelves, not feeling like getting anything, tired and bored. I stopped at some point and was just spacing out into, what I realized in a bit, was a self-help book shelf. I was pretty sceptic about everything there and even smirked a few times..
...and then I saw "Eat. Pray. Love". I heard of it, of course, because who didn't. It was so "pop" I never bothered reading it (I was a pretty decent hipster back then). Yet, suddenly I wanted it. Nothing else got my attention, but for some reason this book was calling out to me. So I bought it.
"Eat. Pray. Love" was that "something" that opened the door. That book in the most literal sense has completely changed my life. It brought me onto a path to healing my body and to finding my calling in life. It took me away from pretending to be who I wasn't, to please my family and the society at large. It brought me to acknowledging parts of myself that I was deeply scared of and which were suppressed for many, many years.
And one of those parts that was suppressed was the fact that I was queer. Very queer. I struggled with having to align my gender to my physical sex: it just didn't fit quite right. I struggled with using female pronouns. First person I dated was female. It was a summer camp and we never called it dating and we only kissed when we got drunk but...it just wasn't a friendship, whatever we called it. But other than that I suppressed and repressed and hated myself for "not being normal". I tried the best I could to dress and act more feminine. I only dated men and I felt weird about gay people (if I ever tell you how most homophobic people are actually gay, trust me, for I speak from experience)
Walking my spiritual path asked of me to be true to myself. To let go of pretending to be who I wasn't in a million ways.
I came out in 2016, just like Elizabeth Gilbert. I didn't have to divorce my husband because he is my soulmate and I love who I love, not just their physical sex. But at the same time, an amazing women and our now partner walked into our life. And I love her. And him. Because love knows no limit. But if you told me about polyamorous relationship mere 2 years ago I would be pretty disgusted.
I'm not today. And I am whole and (mostly) happy. With people who love me and support me. And none of it would have been possible without Elizabeth Gilbert and her book that she wrote mostly for herself. And this, boys and girls and queer folk, why it means so much to me.
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