Dear V,
I've been going through what went wrong in our marriage over and over again, and I honestly want to say sorry because it was my fault. It really was. I didn't try hard enough. I should have been more patient with you. I shouldn't have expected so much out of you. I shouldn't have nagged, faulted, shouted, blamed and hurt you so much. I didn't think. Most times I didn't think. You were always patient, loving, caring, supportive and present for me. I took advantage of it. I'm sorry. I was moody most of the ten years.
But today I don’t want to dwell on who was right or wrong. I just want to tell you my side of the story if you have the patience to read.
You made an incredible sacrifice by shifting to a new city for me. I was the one who got a job here and you were my support and strength. I don't think I would have survived working with XYZ if you hadn't encouraged me to go on. And subsequently to quit even though I had no other work. I've tried to show my support for you by encouraging you in everything you do, in my small way by keeping a clean house, keeping food ready when you come home, the house wifely things I wasn't used to. All the things that would make daily domesticity a little easier for you so you can focus on your work.
I didn't know how else to show support. Sometimes you didn't share your day with me and I didn't communicate enough with you. We both were too tired. That tiredness led to long spells of not understanding each other. Again my fault because I knew better. You are a man. Communication doesn't come easily. I should have probed you a bit more.
I'm sorry that we misunderstood each other all these years. The burden of looking after a house and managing a bad boss (they were all bad – all three of them and they took a toll on my self-esteem, something which you couldn’t understand and I couldn’t explain) finally got to me. I guess in my head I demanded more support from you. I didn't know how you could give it but when you couldn't "get" me I got angry. I pulled away.
I honestly thought our lives would get better after the baby but it didn't. I guess I was no longer in the mood for intimacy. It affected us. I also had post-partum depression which I didn't share with anyone then because I hardly understood it myself. With the constant pressure of looking after a baby and no maid, we as a couple began to move further apart. Again my fault. Instead of sharing my feelings with you, I bottled them up. I resented life, God, my parents, everything. It wasn't as if I knew what was happening but I wanted YOU to make it better. And you couldn't. Because you weren't a mind reader!
Our relationship like the tapestry of an old carpet began to tear bit by bit till the threads barely held it together. I put a photo of our wedding day on my bookshelf as a reminder of the happiest day of my life. Yup it really was. Even more than the birth of the baby. Because you and I were finally together...after so much hardship…Not a single person on this earth can imagine what we went through together all those four years before marriage. Living together, living apart, barely having time, managing stolen moments. It was all wonderful and tiring. And when we got married I felt as if it was going to last forever - the magic.
You gave me space to spread my wings and I took it as you were indifferent and nonchalant about me.
We are set as individuals now. We cannot keep relying on memories to hold us together. And even though I only have good memories of us, it is time to let go. We have given the best years of our lives to each other. 15 years is no mean feat. And I have loved you every minute of every day for all those years. Promise.
Even when I was angry with you, I never thought I would let you go. Even when I said I wanted a divorce it was a cry to make you pay more attention to me. But I realise now that was not the right way. But by then I had used up all the ways to make you understand me. I was lost, lonely and furious. And again you consented to my demands and misunderstood. “Fine, I’ll give you a divorce,” you said and took off your wedding ring. That was the day I broke.
But I need to tell you.
No one can ever take your place. You are not only the father of my child forever, but my best friend and soul mate. You have given me tremendous strength, support, love and patience. I will love you forever for it. I know you resent me for many things. So many misunderstandings. Too many to build a marriage again. I'm so sorry.
As our marriage unravels in the coming months I want you to know that I will be there for you whenever you need me. When we are old and need each other, I will be there. I hope you find happiness in someone who can appreciate you, understand you and love you more than they love themselves. You deserve that.
I love you today tomorrow and forever. You will always be the One True Love of my life. But I know it has to end legally. It ended mentally long ago.
Yours
S.